I'm the youngest in my family. If you're keeping score at home, the line-up is Jackson, Mick, Shannon and then me. My siblings are quit a bit older. My brothers are in their sixties and my sister is a year away from joining that club. I showed up about 15 years after my sister. I guess Mom got really drunk.

I just got off the phone with my oldest brother Jackson. He and Mick are very close. They are both Vietnam veterans. I look up to these guys and love them with all my heart, but we are SO different. Growing up in the 60's and serving in Nam, they both know their way around a Joint. I don't even think they own a pair of long pants and forget about shoes, flip flops only dude. We are all 100% Californian.

Anyway, back to todays phone call. When I talk to one family member, I usually find out how the others are holding up in that one conversation. Here's what Jackson laid on me today.

"Have you talked to Mick lately?" I asked. "I spoke to him the other day." He said. I had to prod a little more. "Well. How is he?" Jackson took a long breath, followed by a long pause "He's smoking a lot. He's eating like shit. He can't sleep and his teeth are rotting. He must be doing well though ... because he asked me to go online and get him some Viagra."

I've attached a picture of my two heros! Take about 3 months ago.

I love my wife very much. We've been together well before any amount of success rolled my way. In fact, she gets a ton of credit for it. You see, I need a woman who will let me act like I'm nine years old. I need someone to listen to my outrageous goals and dreams, only to pat me on the head and walk out of the room. I need someone to inspire me while I play Call Of Duty 4. My girl is all of these things. However, there is ONE problem  .... she's white.

Shari understands that I spend most of my day fantasizing. Sometimes it's about where I want my career to take me. Other times It's about really effecting the universe is a positive manner. But when the planets align, it shifts to the women of South America. Sure their smoking hot, but I think my wife is too. I've thought long and hard about this, and I think I now know why. Linguistics.

I think about Sonata walking into the bedroom, with her olive skin, wearing those nasty, white high heels. She leans forward and whispers in my ear "I know we'll always be together, because we deceive each other." I softly correct her, "You mean deserve each other." Then she tenderly repeats the quick english  lesson, "Jess, we deesurve each other." As we both fall back on the bed, my exotic lady looks out the window into the starry night and say's out loud, but to herself, "I get so sleepy when the clowns come in." Oh Sonata, you mean when the clouds come in." I reply.

Then the fantasy stops right there. I can't get past that point and as a dude, it's really frustrating. I guess the lesson is that I do need someone I understand and most of all, someone who understands me. I realize that I'm really lucky to have that. Guess what I got Shari for Valentines Day? A membership to a tanning booth.

I'm intrigued by Hookers. I've come to learn quite a bit about the profession from our friend Bunny Love. There's an actual mathematical equation that belongs to "the oldest profession,"  and I've cracked it . So without further fanfare, here it is. Forty bucks equals head. Now it's all up to the hooker on what you get for the amount of money, but that's basically it.

I have had my own experience with a hooker. It was one on the strangest nights of my life. It all started with my two friends. I'll call them Rick and Bob because that's their real names. I looked up to these guys, so I was just happy to be hanging out with them. They were both around the same age, which was 6 years older than me. Rick was the guy all the other dudes wanted to be. He was great looking, fit and had a killer job. Bob on the other hand, was a world class body builder and not the best looking guy in the world. That, and he was 4'12". This guy was a fireplug, a bowling ball, a muscle with feet, you get the picture. But Bob had a problem. Once he had a few drinks, he was a was a complete, reckless, asshole. You always knew that when he got his drink on, something bad was going to happen.

That summer night I realized why these two cool guys wanted to hang out with me. They needed a ride.   Rick worked for a really popular radio station in Los Angeles and they we're having a huge event. So I borrowed my mother's maroon Chevrolet Monza wagon and in thirty minutes we were on the Sunset Strip baby! There are a couple of things I remember about the radio station party. One, there was a ton of free booze. The other, this was the first time I ever got to see real live tits. I couldn't believe it. All I could see were tits and high heels. Rick and Bob didn't know that I had never seen real live topless women before, so I had to play it really cool. I was so scared that it wasn't even sexy. Every time a topless women would walk by me I got dizzy. Physically dizzy. I knew I was the only guy there feeling this way. It was cool, but to this day, I wish I would have handled the situation better. Rick was just standing there, drinking a beer and looking good. He was totally unaffected by the babes. Rick and I both wish that we could say the same for Bob.

Here's where the hooker part comes in. While the hot, topless chicks just made me dizzy, they had a much different effect on Bob. He wanted to rape somebody. I was hoping that he had a woman in mind because he could easily over power me. I would have hated for my first time of seeing a naked chick to also be my first night of being corn holed by man. So I was really happy to hear Rick say "Bob, I think we need to get you a hooker!"  So we pile into the Monza. I was driving, Rick riding shotgun and Bob in the back yelling "I need pussy!"  It seemed like we were in the car for three seconds before Rick spotted the prostitute. Rick told me to pull the car over, which I gladly did. She was the perfect stereotype. She had on the hooker uniform of nasty high heels and really short shorts. Rick rolls down the passenger window and without hesitation says "My buddy in the back wants head. How much?" The way Rick said it made me think that he's done this before. His confidence made me feel better though. I wasn't thinking that this could be a cop, or that we might get killed. I actually kind of liked Sunshine. I found her name ironic though, because she was as black as the night. But I liked her. She was really cool. "How much money do you have?" Rick yelled into the back seat. "20 bucks." replied drunk ass Bob. "Get out the car babies! You, muscleman.....get ya ass up front." Sunshine said like a pro. Bob, drunk and still yelling, "I need pussy" somehow made it into the driver seat of my mom's car.

"Where do we go?" I asked Rick, as he was already walking across the street. "Just over here. I want to make sure he doesn't get ripped off." We were standing only 20 feet away when Rick decides to the play-by-play in his amazing radio voice. "Bob's pants are down. He's getting hard. Sunshine gets out of the car." "That's it?" I ask. "It's over." Rick sadly says. I looked just past the back of my mom's car and saw Sunshine wiping her chin. It took me a few more years to know why.

As we approached the car, Bob was literally passed out. For the first time this evening, I see Rick start to panic. "We have to put Bob in the back!" Rick yelled and continued to say, "I'll get on the other side and help!" As I open the car door, on Sunset Blvd, in traffic, there's a naked dude sitting in MY chair. Rick started to go into crisis mode, barking out orders, "Let's pull is pants up." as Rick bends down to help, he accidently nails his eye on the corner of the rear view mirror. "Oh geeze. Oh geeze." He exclaims. I though Rick was really hurt. It turns out that he's just worried about his good looks. "Quit primping yourself you fuck!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. I had never spoken to him this way, so he did everything he could to get Bob back where he belonged.

For the first ten minutes we drove in silence. Finally, from the back of the car, we hear a mumbled, "Thanks guys." We all started to laugh and right then, I felt like one of the dudes. I also found out that Bob only had 16 bucks and that Sunshine was just a whore.