This isn't the first time I've had this feeling. Complete humiliation. Utter self disgust. Total frustration with a smidge of homophobia.

I need underwear. Most of my current stock seems to be blown out in the ass. So off to the Northpark Center I go with my beautiful wife of fourteen years by my side. I'm a dude. I know what I want, so this should take thirty seconds.... tops.

I like Nordstrom. It's easy to park and I don't have to walk through the whole damn mall and watch Shari melt down at every storefront. Right inside the door is the "Mens Furnishings" section. I like to wear boxer briefs. I'm cool with either white, black or gray.  I make a beeline for the rack.  I'm trying to get out of there fast because every display has some super in shape, ripped, nineteen year old dude on the package. Not only are they in better shape, but they all look like they're looking back at me laughing. Some of them actually look like they want to fuck me. I'm getting nervous and sweaty, my wife feels like shit because she's married to a dude in his forties who couldn't make in on the cover of So, You've Lost it! Monthly. I get lucky and find 4 XL's right up front. Everyone of them are white, but that's cool with me. I pay. I talk my wife out of looking at shoes and I'm back home in less than twenty minutes. However, I was a little uncomfortable giving the Maroon Five wannabe my credit card, but I didn't have to wait in line, so I feel like this has been a successful trip.

Upon arriving home, I notice that the pair of underwear that Bruce is wearing on the cover, seem a little shorter than the mid-thigh length I like. These go just below his bald, five year old balls. So I open the package and sequester myself in the bathroom to try them on. Fuck! I look like Richard Hatch from the first Survivor.... before starving himself. Sure I'm out of shape, but I didn't think it was this bad. I'm not going to return them. That would just be pouring gasoline on the fire. So I made a decision right there. I'm going to get by butt to the gym, and in three to four months, stand in front of the mirror, take a deep breath and step into these babies. I'll walk out in the living room and make my wife proud.